Personality test: What does your email etiquette say about you?
Whatever you make of it overall, the modern workplace has its perks. One being the delicacies of email etiquette and the hilarity that can ensue from reading into the idiosyncrasies expressed in, for example, the automatic out of office response, everyday email sign off or one’s boss’s mysterious omission of a subject line.
Ever wondered what those e-idiosyncrasies say about your colleagues (and maybe yourself)? Read on.
The simp
Wants to be your friend. Or more accurately, fears not being your friend. Or causing any friction at all.
Telltale signs:
- Writes “Nice to e-meet you smiley face!” to new contacts
- Is determined for you to be well: crafts phrases such as “I hope you are well and that this email finds you well”
- Offers to be fire warden
- Sign off of choice: a sliding scale from ‘kind regards’ to ‘kindly’. Whatever they write, rest assured it’s always going to be kind
The workaholic
To be in communication with a workaholic is to feel like one is being pounded in the head incessantly with a heavy metal bludgeon. These people are manic and driven with a vision – yet their communication style can scream blind murder.
Telltale signs:
- Signs off exclusively with acronyms: AB, BA (translation: All best, Bernard Archibald)
- No subject line – or alternatively, the entire message is within the subject line and the actual email content lies blank. Disconcerting and difficult on the eye.
- Will email at inappropriate times, like midnight or 5am
- Will reply on Slack but not on email – or vice versa
Krill
You know the dude: bottom of the food chain.
Characteristics of this species include:
- Always asking to ‘run things up the flagpole’ and CCs their seniors – or just anyone with a company email address – into every, single, god-damn chain
- Often wears a gormless expression when you catch them starting at their desktop IRL
- Promotes diminishing job title in email signature with excessive and slightly undignified pride
The shark
Managers eat krill for breakfast.
You know the type:
- No email sign off to speak of whatsoever
- Replies all – but it’s just a request to their personal assistant
- Ignores you (even if you’re not a krill)
- Punctuation is meaningless to them
The overthinker
Another anxious soul – but mistakes keeping you in the loop for appearing productive. In doing so, wastes your time and some of theirs.
How to spot them:
- This person just went to the loo – and told you about it. Often uses a Slack group chat to make announcements such as “Back in half a minute, just tying my shoelace”.
- When it comes to their out of office – you now know their health history and their holiday habits. You wish you didn’t.
- Sign off of choice: It’s a bland one. Best wishes
The dinosaur
It’s almost 2024 but you wouldn’t know it from dealing with this bozo.
How to spot a dino:
- Refuses email, requests phone calls (landline only) when not in the office. In the most extreme cases, partial to a faxphone and will let you know about it.
- Can’t open hyperlinks, prefers to deal in pen and paper
- Carries a briefcase
- Asks what an ‘app’ is and whether it has anything to do with the ‘application’ of something?
- Will die soon
The anarchist
Studied an arts subject and felt rebellious at age 21. Feels the rules of the office do not apply to them. Probably went to private school.
Telltale signs:
- Forwards on email chains but provides no context or instructions
- Uses unintelligible acronyms that leave you none the wiser (GFC, JIC, CJOTW)
- Impossible to track down for large swathes of the day
- Doesn’t put an out of office on
The determined enthusiast
Anxious inside, but will never show it. Work is their life and bizarrely it’s not 100 per cent satisfying. Unhappy inside, they hide it with exclamation points.
Giveaway signs:
- Signs off with ‘Cheers!’ and adds exclamation marks! To! Every! Sentence!
- Enthusiasm can be mistaken for overzealousness. Treat this worker with caution or the war of increasing exclamation points could reach breaking point and you will find yourself in an IRL conversation by the kettle where your lack of exclamation mark-punctuated conversation is hung out to dry. It won’t be pretty
The technophobe
This group includes oldies but is not restricted to them.
How to spot em:
- Walks with a wobble
- Doesn’t know how to put their out of office on
- Every email has a follow-up: “forgot to add the attachment – here it is”
The procrastinator
You’ve got work to do, and instead you’re reading this.
More giveaway signs:
- Suggests circling back
- Delayed replies
- When their reply arrives, it begins with “Sorry” and doesn’t stray far – that is to say, the whole email is an apology for not replying and the issue at hand is, conveniently, unaddressed
The pass-agg
You feel anxious, you often wake up in cold sweats at night after emailing this person, but you can’t quite put a finger on why…
Traits include:
- Sending double question marks
- CCing your boss
The bureaucrat
You’re only emailing one guy, but it feels like you’re corresponding with the entire staffbase of the Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities.
Recognisable habits:
- If a member of the civil service, email name may include (SENSITIVE) warning beside it, e.g. BERNARD ARCHIBALD (SENSITIVE)
- Suggests holding a ‘conflab’
- Lots of BCCs
- Replies from their ‘work phone’
- Spends days in endless Microsoft Teams meetings
Tips and tricks for 2024
Let’s end on a positive note. Whilst you cannot unsend an email, you can think twice before sending, and that’s something we can all strive for in the new year.
Good luck!
All best,
CityAM Comment Desk